The Book of Acts
To preparest for the Holy Rites, thou shalt pulleth thine own wire.
Thou shalt have only thine own erections. Thou shalt not borrow thy neighbor's erection unless the Holy Coupler has been blessed.
Thou shalt share thine couplings when thine neighbor asketh nicely.
Bringeth thine own throne and altar.
Thou shalt twiddleth thine own knobs, lest permission be given.
When thou encountereth the Holy Network, thou shalt announce unto the multitudes gathered whether tis Reverend Barbi or Dead Doctor Gene. Getteth thee upon the phone.
Readeth the Holy Passport faithfully, and render unto thine memory its scriptures.
Whenever the Prophet Arnold is nigh, getteth thee to thine altar to receive the Holy Vibrations.
Thou shalt remove thine sustenance from the grill when it throbbeth, lest thee drop thine bean or weiner upon the floor, and soileth the Holy Sanctuary.
Thou shalt cutteth the cheese when thine sustenance buildeth up thine wind.
Whenever thou encounters a prophet that tells thee to repent or burn, telleth the prophet to fucketh off.
If thou encounters a woman with a lot of children, telleth them, yea verily, that thou hast not the key to their lodging.
If thine chair explodeth, getteth back upon thy feet, and check for splinters, for tis a sign from the one true God. Praise Glenn!
If a great bird disturbeth thine contemplations in the crapper, fear not, for it is a load of prophets from St. Trenton.
When Monique the Mail Woman appeareth, thou shalt honor and abideth by her, for she may bringeth the Holy Instruments of Verification.