The Book of Caca

Regardless of how well thou mayest hold it, thou must eventually pinch a loaf.

When thou findeth thyself in deepest shit, thou shalt not duck, and seekest thou shallower shit. Remembereth though, thine shit be warm, and comfort thee, and shall repel thine enemies.

If thy be from the Land of Judah, thou shalt asketh thyself; Why doth this shit always happeneth to us?

Spread thine shit upon the barren land, and it shall prosper. Spread thine shit upon thy friends, and they shall place your name upon the Holy List.

Thou mayest consume swine in the Holy Cabana, but bringeth them not to the Sacred Gathering, lest shit adorn thine boots, and the boots of thine bretheren and sisteren. If thou minglest with the swine, thee will get shit upon thine boots.

When thee sees excreta approacheth, standeth behind the fan. Encourage thine enemies to standeth in front of the fan.

And the Angel Phillip appeared before the masses, and emitted unto the assembled throng. And he sayeth, that felteth like a wet one. Entertain thyselves whilst I pray in the Holy Cabana Annex.

And the Angel Phillip learned, everything thy consumes turneth to shit.

If thine neighbor's dog shiteth in thy yard, fireth up thine snowblower, and launcheth the canine morsel onto thy neighbor's roof. Then awaiteth the coming of Spring.

Changeth thine undergarments regularly, lest thou be disrobed by the emergency room deacons.

When thou beholdeth the wonders of Gawd, shouteth unto the firmament, Holy Shit, Look at That!

Remember ye well, no mattereth how well thy preparest, shit happeneth.