The Book of DXodus

Glenn commanded his faithful servant Ian to ascend Mt. Clemens to receive the Word of Glenn. At the peak of Mt. Clemens, after extinguishing a burning antenna, Ian received from Glenn the Ten Commandments for reporting, on two Sacred Sinpo discs:

Thou shalt only use the approved format.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's DX.
Thou shalt not listlog unless thou shalt report "presumed".
Thou shalt not malign thy fellow DXer in a public forum (unless they truly deserve it, and it maketh you feel really, really good).
Thou shalt not change the settings on thy fellow DXers receiver.
Thou shalt not steal thy fellow DXers QSLs.
Thou shalt not disconnect thy fellow DXers antenna from the Sacred Multicoupler.
Thou shalt worship no other gods than Glenn.
Thou shalt not talk when Arnold is upon you.
Thou shalt keep a large assortment of adapters.

When Ian descended from Mt. Clemens with the Commandments, he saw that his fellow DXers had erected a golden Yagi and were worshipping the pagan gods Skip and Bev. Ian was so enraged, he dashed the Sacred Sinpo computer discs upon the rocks. And lo, it came to pass that DXers began using many formats. And Johnson and Lupi became distraught, and lamented much.

And it came to pass that Glenn sent Ian to Japan to clear his head. After several years in the Land of Nippon Hoso Kosai, Ian returned to the Montreal Forum. And Glenn said, "It is good". And Ian died.

And the Lord sayeth unto Harold, preparedest thou a hearth in front of thine stove so that thou mayest heat up thine Sacred Beanie Weenies. Thou shalt placedeth thine Sacred Beanie Weenies upon the hearth whenever thine body tells thine, it hungers, except lest such placing, violateth the rules of sustenance enscribethed herein.

Thou shalt not preparest sustenance requiring the Sacred hearth from two hours before Arnold is scheduled to arrive till two hours after Arnold leaveth. The Time of Arnold be sacred and shall be held in the highest regard for the assembled masses. Hail be to Arnold; he'll be back.

Sustenance placed upon the sacred hearth shall remain there till the Sacred Throbbage ensueth. Thou shalt not consume sustenance placed upon the Sacred Hearth if no throbbage hath throbbethed. And they saw it, and they said, "Throbbage is good". And the Lord said, "Throbbeth not too much, or you'll go blind."

The Sacred Hearth may be usedeth for sustenance other than Beanie Weenies, unless such sustenance violateth the rules of sustenance enscribethed herein.

Thou shalt place sustenance upon the Sacred Hearth only if it is in full view of Heaven. If sustenance be placed upon the Sacred Hearth in an unopened can, thou and the assembled masses, shalt soon be covered with the sustenance.

Thou shalt not consume any cloven hoof critters unless they be blessed by Farmer Jack.

Thou shalt not consume animals that crawleth upon the Earth, for they are icky.

Thou shalt not consume any fowl of the Earth, unless the feathers have been removed, and they be blessed by Farmer Jack.

Thou shalt consume Pringles, pistaccios, cinnamon twirls or licorice anytime thy likes to. Thou shalt try to avoideth prepositions at the end of thine sentences.

If the Sacred Hearth cooketh too slow for thine desires, thou shalt fire up the Sacred Fires of Propane. Thou shalt prepare food for the Sacred Fire with great care, for it cooketh rapidly, and may become Cajun if not watchedeth carefully.

If thou desireth any sustenance not triedeth before, asketh St. Kenneth Hizzoner to tryeth it first, for he cooketh weird things often.

If thou shalt desireth any sustenance with weird coloring, asketh St. Kenneth of Sharon to bringeth his Sacred Sauce of Tandoori.

Thou shalt alerteth the assembled masses of your intentions to prepareth sustenance with the admonition, "Time to cook!"

He whosoever connects a male end of one adapter to a male end of a second adapter, or whosoever connects a female end of one adapter to a female end of a second adapter, is using his adapters in a way not originally intended by the designer of holy adapters. This is an abomination and he who does so will find that his DX and the recording thereof will not be fruitful. There is, however, no further punishment for this abomination as the adapter preferences of Glenn are not known and are surely above reproach by lowly DXers, even if they might involve socket wrenches and random lengths of rubber hose.

He who plugs the male end of an adapter into the female end of the same adapter has violated the sacred laws of physics. This is the natural result of following the instructions when told "Go adapt yourself!" It is an abomination.

Thou shall not DX with thy neighbor's receiver nor thy neighbor's antenna. Or, at the very least, one shall not brag about it publicly. And never leave the knobs greasy. Greasy knobs are an abomination.

Nor shall ye defile yourselves by DXing with beasts of the field nor beasts of the air nor beasts that swim in the sea as none of these have even the foggiest idea of how to DX and will only make wee-wee on the floor of the DX cabin. This is an abomination. Making wee-wee on the floor of the DX cabin is also an abomination.

Nor shall ye defile yourselves by DXing with the vermin of the earth, as it is the vermin of the earth that run DX organizations that do not recognize Glenn as the one true Lord and Giver of DX. This is known as the Happy Abomination and he who commits it is wicked beyond measure. The land shall vomiteth out his ground rod.

As Glenn doth not approve of silly ball games, ye shall not listen to silly ball games any longer than is necessary to identify the misguided broadcaster that is carrying the aforementioned silly ball game. If ye continue to listen after the identity of the station is clearly known, then it is truly an abomination. It shall be called the Silly Abomination.

Forming a mental picture of Glenn with socket wrenches and random lengths of rubber hose is an abomination.

He who violates any of the Holy No-No's shall make a sacrifice to Glenn. He shall prepare an altar made of exactly 90 stones in front of the Holy Apostolic DXpedition Cabin facing the direction of Enid. At the center of the altar shall be the sacred DX Charcoal Grill. In the Grill he shall prepare a bed of exactly 60 QSL cards from 49 different stations in 31 different countries. And the defiled DXer shall tie a live goat upon the grill using exactly 25 meters of uninsulated 22 gauge single-strand copper wire. And the goat shall be surrounded with exactly 19 cans of opened beanies-weanies and 16 pieces of something; Glenn doesn't care what just so there are 16 of them. To the right of the sacred DX charcoal grill the defiled DXer shall place a 0.6 cubit x 0.7 cubit color photo of Martha Stewart or perhaps Brother Stair with his arm around Martha Stewart. And then the defiled DXer shall dress in only a pair of "Smurfs" boxer shorts, a sleeveless black T-shirt, and a pink feather boa. He shall place an ax in his right hand and a large bottle of yellow mustard in his left hand and raise his hands above his head and open his mouth in a broad toothsome grin. And then the other DXers shall take numerous pictures of this and post them on the Internet and mail them to his employer, family, friends, and neighbors so that they shall truly know what manner of evil defiled DXer he is.

In lieu of a goat, it is acceptable to Glenn to substitute a three gallon bucket of live gerbils, provided none of said gerbils has ever been involved in felching.

All sacrifices must be salted.

The Martha Stewart photograph should be further seasoned with 70 grams of freshly chopped sage and 3 sprigs of lemon balm.

Thus sayeth the word of Glenn.