The Book of the Sons of Flatulence
At the appointed times, the Great and Wondrous Wizard of Karl (pay no attention to that man asleep in the folding chair) calls the Sons of Flatulence unto the Woods of Livingston where dwelleth the loons, the sticker bushes, and the lost pizza delivery guy.
After the holy apparatus has been installed; the Appendages of Aerial, the Vessels of Yaesu and Eton, the Ark of Canadian Tire and Die Hard, there is much merriment and rejoicing.
When the holy apparatus is intoned and the Pips of the Great Chu are heard, there is much merriment and rejoicing.
When these deeds are done as I have said, then the Sons of Flatulence install the Holy Altar upon the Implement of the Flames of Propane. The implement must be adjusted to reduce the buzz and enshroud the Holy Altar in the Warmth of Throbbage. When these deeds are done as I have said, there is much merriment and rejoicing.
Those of the Sons of Flatulence that have partaken of the Holy Food before coming unto the Woods of Livingston, may pronounce their faith with thundrous farts of praise for all to enjoy, when the Warmth of Throbbage has enveloped them. But, standeth not too close, lest the Blue Angel appear unto you.
When these rites have been performed as I have said, the Sons of Flatulence may break out the Holy Food, Beanie Weenies, or for the Most Holy Karl, Beanies and Weenies. When the Holy Food is placed upon the Holy Altar, the Sons of Flatulence shall pray for throbbage. Stare not at the Holy Food whilst upon the Holy Altar, lest throbbage be delayed. Hear ye that pre-mature throbbage may leadeth you unto blindness.
When the Holy Throbbage arrives, the Sons of Flatulence may scarfeth down the Holy Food. It is recommended to consume as much air as possible when consuming the Holy Food, for it enhanceth the Sacred Emissions, which will surely follow, yea verily.
When the Holy Food has ruminated sufficiently in the Sons of Flatulence, the Sacred Emissions will begin to appear and there will be much merriment and rejoicing.
The Sacred Emissions may appeareth in all forms of wonder; the Poot, the Whoosh, the Buzzer Beater, the Over-the-Horizon-Radar, the Blat, the Squealer, the Whistler, the Afghan Interval Signal, the Bumper Tune, the Hemorrhoid Flapper, and the deadly Silent Green Wave.
It is wise for all the Sons of Flatulence to keep a roll of the Holy Papyrus handy.
Many tribes practice the Rite of the Holy Emission, and it goeth by many names; Bumper Music, Clearing the Channel, Adjusting the BFO, Lower Side Band Transmission, Breaking Radio Silence, Nasal Jamming, Launching a Skywave, Fluffing the Sheets, Cutting the Chad, Cutting the Chile, Breaking Windhoek, Passing Madagascar. Regardless of the name by which it goeth, there is much merriment and rejoicing when the Sons of Flatulence venteth.
Beware ye though of an Evil Angel that may appeareth amongst the Sons of Flatulence. This Evil Angel goes by many names but his presence may be known when a foul stench fills the House of Worship and the gates must be flung open.
If thee conjures up a Good One with much vibrato, be proud. Blameth not the dog, or thy neighbor. Offer unto the other Sons of Flatulence to pulleth thine finger.
At the appointed times, the Great and Wondrous Wizard of Ken (pay no attention to that man asleep on the couch) calls the Sons of Flatulence unto the Woods of Cue near the Seas of Wollaston and Thanet where dwelleth the player of the pink guitar, Harley the DX dog, and the CAA guy...but that is another story.